Tag Archives: self-improvement

Three easy ways to keep a bad day from becoming a catastrophe

25 Thursday Aug 2016

Posted by in Bettering Myself, Unsolicited Advice

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I work in a high-stress job. There are unmovable deadlines, exhaustingly weird hours, and moments where something new drops in your lap and has to be executed, like, two seconds ago. Tempers flare, sometimes all-out chaos strikes, and many days anxiety buzzes through my veins along with my coffee.

Recently, the stress has been acutely higher. Many coworkers are taking end-of-summer time off, and the staff has been stretched thin. Today was one of those non-stop, one-thing-after-another days, and I almost let it get the best of me. I was proud of myself for being able to let things go when I got home for the day. I’ve talked a lot about not complaining in the past (refreshers here and here if you missed it), so I’ll leave out what NOT to do to avoid that snowballing “Today Was a BAD Day” feeling. I realized there were three easy things I did RIGHT, and I wanted to share.

  1. Take care of others

    For me, there’s a warm feeling in making a difference in someone’s day. One of the biggest sources of stress recently has been having to take on a little extra work, but taking a moment to recognize that a coworker (or partner, or friend, or family member…) could really use a hand helps me achieve a sense of purpose in a stressful day.

    For example, this morning I was rushing around at work, trying to finish five different things, when I noticed a coworker seemed to be in a bind. I asked, “Is there anything I can help you with right now?” Turns out, there wasn’t anything I could do; she was just trying to hustle because she wasn’t in the right spot. But just the act of offering my ability to help sort of snapped me out of what was spiraling into an inner monologue of self-pity, complaining to myself about the extra work that I felt stuck with. I recognized a bit of what I was feeling in her, and remembered we’re all in the same boat. We might as well all row it together.

    There’s a flip side to this way of thinking too. Even if you’re not in a position to offer one iota of extra help, you can make sure that you aren’t unfairly unleashing your frustrations on someone else. I like to think of it like that doctors’ vow: “Above all, do no harm.” I think pretty much everyone who works in the news industry has had a few instances where they’ve gone off on a coworker in a moment of stress. In my experience, that has never actually made me feel better.

  2. Take care of yourself

    This is an important caveat to my first point. Many of us spend so much time doing things for others, we forget to look out for ourselves. It’s not always top of mind, but try to remember to take time to check in with yourself and ask yourself what you need right now.

    I get it. In the heat of a busy day, sometimes your own needs are the last thing on your mind. Working in news, often food, rest, and even bathroom breaks are not top priority. But you have to head home at some point, and once you finally get a chance to turn off your work brain, turn your focus inward.

    For me, winding down from today’s stress meant giving myself a break. Instead of going for a run like I’d planned, I pushed it back to tomorrow and put on my PJs. I allowed myself to have some comfort food–a “dinner” of Honey Nut Cheerios–and watched some Netflix before spending most of the day reading and writing. I decided folding clothes and washing dishes could wait.

    On a different day, taking that run would have been exactly what I needed, along with a healthy salad and a deep cleaning of the apartment. Some days knocking out a few songs on the piano does the trick. And you can bet my boyfriend knows that days when I come home and run a bubble bath are days when I need some space.

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    Sometimes all I need is a nice, hot cup of tea to unwind.

    This isn’t just about what how you’re eating and spending your time. Check in with your self talk and how you’re treating yourself. I’m still working on the concept of being my own best friend–and talking to myself that way. Instead of thinking, “I’m failing at everything I try to do today,” tell yourself, “I’m doing the best I can,” or “I’ll try again tomorrow.” Remember, you’ve survived every bad day so far!

  3. When all else fails, DANCE

    Such a quick fix… why don’t we think of this every time?? As I was driving home today, I was in a bit of a “long day hangover.” I decided to pop on an upbeat playlist, and it really did the trick! When I hit a stop light, I started bobbing and weaving like a crazy person, and by the time I got home, much of my anxiety had floated away.

    I’m telling you, the power of music is palpable, people! Of course, I think I’m pretty impressionable, so if a song tells me to cry, I’ll cry, and if it tells me to dance, I’ll dance!

    Here’s one of my favorites that gets me moving every time:

Changing your perspective: Making time for gratitude

09 Tuesday Aug 2016

Posted by in Bettering Myself, What Inspires Me

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Most mornings, I climb into my car at the ungodly hour of 1 A.M., turn on news radio as I try to catch up on the day’s stories, and let my muscle memory get me from my north side neighborhood into Downtown Chicago. I’m usually lost in thought or trying to stay awake, sometimes realizing I listened to a block of stories without remembering a single one. I’m already planning out my morning, occasionally rehashing some conversation from the day before or worrying about what’s in store for the day ahead.

But one morning, a few weeks ago, some wispy clouds caught my eye by the way they encircled the top of the John Hancock building, glowing in the moonlight. It gave the entire skyline a spooky beauty, almost like a movie scene. The sight shook me out of my morning slump and refocused my brain, reminding me that I love coasting on this stretch of Lake Shore Drive (at least when it’s traffic free!), I love the view of this city at night, and I feel so lucky to work in one of the greatest cities in the world. In fact, I was reminded of the very first morning that I made the drive into the city in the middle of the night, and how seeing the skyline grow larger made the butterflies in my stomach flutter with excitement. (Yes, all that from a few wispy clouds!)

The whole experience (which lasted all of about 15 seconds) got me thinking about gratitude.

Since I started learning about Buddhism and mindfulness a few years ago, there are a few lessons that have popped up over and over again:

  • What you think can affect your whole life
  • You can control your thoughts, and keep them from controlling you
  • Cultivating gratitude is one of the easiest ways to turn your entire life outlook around

It isn’t just a Buddhist thing either. Gratitude is something I constantly see as a top example of how to boost happiness and success. Just yesterday, I came across an article that listed “express[ing] gratitude” as one of the things successful people do every night.

I am deeply aware of the many ways I’m lucky in life. And yet, why is it that it seems so much easier to complain than to hold onto that gratitude? So as a reminder to myself that it feels infinitely better to focus on the positive, I wanted to share a few pointers on how to let gratitude grow:

  1. Feels like the first time: Just like that giddy feeling I remember from the first morning I drove into the city for my (then) new job, try to encapsulate the emotions you felt when things were fresh. Look at your spouse or significant other through the eyes of your first few dates. Instead of complaining that your apartment needs to be cleaned, revisit the excitement of when you first got the keys. Sick of sitting in traffic? Try to remember what it was like when you first got your license, and would gladly face rush hour to fetch a gallon of milk, if it meant a chance to get behind the wheel.

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    One of my first nights out, back in my hometown but enjoying city life for the first time. Couldn’t get over the gorgeous views!

  2. See things from a simpler view: This may mean to take notes from one of your positive-minded friends. But what’s even better is to think younger. There are so many things we can learn from the carefree kids in our lives. They’re constantly learning, joyfully taking in the world, and literally seeing things for the first time. Not too long ago, my friend’s baby discovered, to her amusement, that she has feet! My other friend’s 2 year old is learning to tell jokes, and his eyes light up every time he makes us laugh. Imagine how adventurous life could feel if you saw it with the fresh eyes of a child.

    This works for animals too! I don’t have kids, but I do have two dogs. Today, my boyfriend and I joked that our girl, Sadie, could spend an entire day just sniffing around in the grass. What’s usually a nuisance should actually be a reminder for me to take time to take in the world around me.

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    Try to live every day like a dog with his head out the window.

  3. Shut off your thoughts: This goes back to what I mentioned earlier about keeping your thoughts from controlling you. Negativity can become a habit, and the only way out is to retrain your brain. One thing that’s helped me to do that is a kind of on-the-fly meditation. Let the thoughts that pop up in your mind float away, and try to bring your attention back to the present moment–the sights, sounds, smells. Most of the time, that’s enough for me to notice something I’m thankful for, whether it’s a beautiful view out the window, the garlic I’m frying up on the stove, or my boyfriend making up a song on the guitar.
  4. Build in time to be thankful: The more you practice gratitude, the more naturally it will come to you, especially in times when a dark cloud of negativity threatens to take over. It could be as simple as consciously taking a moment or two before bed to look back on the best moments of your day. Or it could be something more overt, like keeping a gratitude journal. The author of the article about successful people I mentioned earlier suggests writing down five things you’re thankful for each night. Recently, I read a blog where the author said he plays a gratitude game with himself each day; he tries to come up with three things he’s grateful for, and works to find those three things by an earlier time than the day before.

The beautiful thing about gratitude is that the more you practice it, the easier it will be. So you really can’t lose with this one.

And when in doubt, just be this girl:

 

Learning to be here now: Be present in your life

25 Monday Apr 2016

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As I sat in the dental chair today, the hygienist told me the dentist would be a few minutes.

“Do you want a magazine?” she asked. “Or do you want to look at your phone while you wait?”

“No, thank you,” I smiled. “I’ll just relax and look out the window.”

She looked shocked, like simply sitting in a chair and looking out the window was the craziest thing a person could think to do. With all the distractions in our lives these days, maybe it is.

The hygienist, Mia, and I ended up having a pleasant conversation about the warmer weather and all the work she had to do with her garden. I told her about my foray into planting herbs on my back patio, and she told me how she loved to race home from work on Fridays to mow the lawn. I felt prouder than I should have that I chose to get to know Mia, rather than assume my typical position, with my nose buried in my iPhone.

I carried that feeling with me on the way home. Instead of stewing over the day’s work frustrations or plotting out what I had to do for the rest of the day, I soaked up the music I was playing, stuck my arm out the window, and enjoyed the feeling of the wind sliding through my fingertips.

Maybe it’s no coincidence that I received a package earlier in the day of the “Be Here Now” shirt that I ordered from Tiny Buddha. To be completely honest, I’ve never read the book by Ram Dass (though it’s on my list!). I’ve always kind of thought there’s plenty we can learn just by reading the cover, right? So with you as my witness, I’m vowing now that “Be Here Now” is my new spring mantra.

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A little “Be Here Now” inspiration from Tiny Buddha

Because the truth is, while the version of me that looks out dentist office windows and drives with her hand floating in the wind seems so peaceful and zen, that’s the version of me that’s usually hard to find. More typically, I’m the woman who’s watching TV while texting while skimming Facebook. I’m the woman whose cell phone is the last thing she looks at before she goes to sleep and the first thing she reaches for when she wakes up. I’m the woman who often can’t stand sitting still for more than a few minutes without biting at a cuticle or picking at a split end.

I can blame it on the nature of my job–it’s definitely not unusual to find me writing a script, making a graphic, and talking to a reporter at the same time–but I know that the “Be Here Now” concept is tough to grasp for most of the people in my life. Who knew it would take so much work to embrace silence, simplicity, or merely focusing on the task at hand?

So starting today, I will savor silence. I will pursue peace. I will Do. One. Thing. At. A. Time. (Gasp!) I will wake up and give myself a few seconds to stretch before I even THINK about checking my email. I will enjoy nature. I will give people my full attention. When I inevitably fall back into my old habits, I will lather, rinse, and repeat.

This is the spring of “being here now.” And while I’m at it… maybe I’ll even pick up some Ram Dass.

Fall resolutions, part three: Feeling fulfilled in my free time

16 Wednesday Sep 2015

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This month I’ve been doing my best to better myself, as fall has always felt more like “New Year’s” to me than January 1. Each week I’ve been rolling out a new “fall resolution”: First I slightly improved my listening skills, and the past week has been an uphill battle against my bad habit of complaining a lot.

So for Week Three I decided to focus in on my free time. It occurred to me recently that my energy level is very dependent on how I spend my time after work. (Work has its own effects, but that’s a different post for a different day.) This realization struck me at the end of a particularly long stretch of Netflix binge watching, in which for several weeks my extra hours mostly consisted of watching 3-5 reruns of “Gilmore Girls” each day. I had been racing toward the finale, and when I got there I was surprised to feel unfulfilled–like, just-wasted-several-weeks-of-my-life unfulfilled.

Don’t get me wrong. I am one of the world’s biggest proponents of laziness, relaxation, Me Time, and the merits of a beautiful slothful day spent glued to the couch. But string a few weeks of those days together and I realized it wasn’t how I enjoyed spending all my time.

I look at it like this: It’s like when you come home from a week-long vacation where you ate every meal at a restaurant or a fast-food joint. As much as you say you wish you could get away with eating like that all the time, you strangely find yourself turned off by the idea of eating one more meal out, and all you want to eat is a gigantic salad. (I am not an avid consumer of healthy food, and yes, this has happened to me.)

After my aforementioned binge-watch extravaganza, I saw that you can crave healthier, more fulfilling activities in the same way you crave healthier, more fulfilling food.

So I decided to make two lists. The first is a list of things that make me feel productive and fulfilled:

  1. Getting creative: Playing music, writing in whatever way I can, even doodling or folding a fortune teller out of a piece of paper!
  2. Getting active: My exercises of choice are running, walking and yoga, but even playing around with the dogs gets my energy level up.
  3. Getting outside: Easily combined with number 2! I feel so much more positive on days when I can squeeze in a walk or spend time by Lake Michigan, just a few blocks from where I live.
  4. Getting a laugh: To me, laughter is one of the greatest things in life. I get so much joy out of joking around with friends, watching standup comedy, or simply checking out the latest viral videos.
  5. Exploring something new: Lately when I do turn to Netflix, I’m not mindlessly watching hours of one show while I play around on my phone. I’m turning on some “classic” and “must-see” movies that I’ve always wanted to watch. I’ve also been turning to the internet to read up on people or pieces of history I don’t know much about, and perusing bands on Spotify that I’ve been wanting to check out.
  6. Reading: I’m sure many avid readers will agree, reading just seems so much more fulfilling than watching something on TV. Maybe it’s activating your imagination and feeling like you’re doing more work for your entertainment. Whatever it is, it feels like time well spent.
  7. Getting enough sleep: This has become a tough one for me since I started working overnights. But I feel like pushing myself to get enough hours of sleep every “night” (day) is the most basic way to start with self-care.
  8. Doing nothing, actively: There’s a difference between mindlessly staring at a screen for hours and sitting in silence, listening to your thoughts. Whenever I’m consistently practicing meditation and mindfulness I feel much calmer and more at peace.
This meditative dog could teach me a thing or two about fulfillment.

This meditative dog could teach me a thing or two about fulfillment.

So after listing out the things that make me feel fulfilled, my second list is (you guessed it!) the things that drag me down:

  1. Spending hours in front of the TV: Half the time I have one or more other screens to distract me, anyway.
  2. Obsessively checking social media: I know it’s a big part of a lot of our jobs, but I’m not gaining anything from logging on 500 times a day, especially when it feels like I’m just reading about how everyone’s out having fun but me.
  3. Playing games on my phone: Candy Crush will be the death of me.
  4. Putting off my chores: Watching dishes and unfolded laundry pile up seems to cause me anxiety and make me feel bad about myself.
  5. Complaining: I know, I’m working on tackling this bad habit. But every time it rears its ugly head it just makes me feel worse about whatever it is I’m complaining about.

Now that I’ve made my two lists, this week’s resolution is simple: More of List One and less of List Two. More specifically, my goal is to do at least one thing from the first list every day (ideally several), and reduce the second list as much as I can.

Weigh in: How do you find fulfillment in your free time?

Why I wish I lived more like my dog

22 Wednesday Apr 2015

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Anyone who knows me (or even follows me on social media) knows that I’m basically obsessed with my dog. So it was really just a matter of time until I dedicated a post to him.

It occurred to me that I should write about Mack today while we were on a run around my neighborhood–not because it was relaxing or fun, but because, as life with Mack often is, it was periodically embarrassing.

Yes, trying to run with my dog is a lot like trying to read a book to a toddler at Chuck E. Cheese. The fact is, there are just too many exciting sights and smells, and they all beat jogging at a moderate pace calmly beside me. Today was no exception.

My dog, Mack, chasing a squirrel up a tree on a recent walk

My dog, Mack, chasing a squirrel up a tree on a recent walk

We managed to jog about a half-mile to the lakefront park before Mack saw a squirrel he wanted to eat, dragging me behind him with dust in our tracks like a cartoon. About a minute later, after I dragged him away and got us back to our normal pace, I almost crashed into him when he stopped dead in his tracks to relieve himself. And this is what running with Mack is like. Every time.

But since I’m not that great of a runner, I like to let my thoughts wander when I run, instead of focusing on not being able to breathe. And since I’m still a sap when it comes to my pup, I started to think about how he could teach me a thing or two.

As humans, most of us focus way too much on what we “should” be doing, or what others expect us to do. My dog (and most of his species, really) sets a true example of the phrase “follow your heart.”

You want to sprint after that squirrel? I‘ll get him someday.

You want to stop to sniff that tree, and the next six after it? They each have a unique essence.

You want to lunge at the dude passing by on his bicycle? I didn’t trust that guy.

In all seriousness, though, dogs have a zest for life that we could all learn from. Every day when I come home from work, this mutt almost knocks me over when he puts his paws on my shoulders and tries showing how much he missed me. Why don’t we act that way around all the people we love? When I leave at night, and it makes him sad, he cries out. When he’s just overwhelmed with excitement, he rolls all over the place until he can compose himself:

The bottom line is, this dog is as true to his heart as anyone or anything could possibly be. He’ll show remorse if he messes up (and if I speak sternly), but he doesn’t know a thing about regret. And he certainly knows how to live in the moment.

So the next time this dog drags me through the park, I’ll do my best to laugh and enjoy it. Because God knows, the only one of us who gets embarrassed is me.

Cuddling with my pup, who's taught me a few things about living in the moment.

Cuddling with my pup, who’s taught me a few things about living in the moment.

Fill your days with tiny braveries

12 Friday Dec 2014

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I’m a child of the 90’s, so back in middle school, when that song “Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)” came out, I thought it was the wisest thing I ever heard. I think everybody’s favorite part was when Baz Luhrmann almost-yelled, “Do not read beauty magazines, THEY WILL ONLY MAKE YOU FEEL UGLY.”

One of my favorite lines in the song/poem/essay, that still stands out to me to this day, was, “Do one thing every day that scares you.” As a kid, I didn’t see how that was even possible. As an adult, I once again think it’s some of the best advice I’ve ever heard.

On Monday night, I went to bed filled with nervous anticipation. Tuesday, I had an appointment at the hair salon. I have been growing my hair out for more than two and a half years. At some point, I decided I’d like to donate my hair for a wig for someone with cancer. When my friend and former coworker Loriana was diagnosed with Leukemia earlier this year, I knew that was what I had to do.

My hair fell more than halfway down my back before I chopped it off.

My hair fell more than halfway down my back before I chopped it off.

Until recently, I haven’t had long hair since my freshman year of college. So you can understand, I grew to be pretty attached to it. For the week leading up to my salon appointment, I shared short-hair pictures with my friends and family, and hoped I could go through with my plan.

There was a feeling of “Am I really doing this?” all the way up to the moment my hair stylist, Meghan, chopped off my thick ponytail with her scissors. We decided on doing an angled bob, which I have always wanted to try out. But my stomach wrapped up in knots as I watched her razor off even more inches on the back of my head to make the style happen.

The moment of truth--chopping off my ponytail to give to Pantene Beautiful Lengths for women with cancer.

The moment of truth–chopping off my ponytail to give to Pantene Beautiful Lengths for women with cancer.

After Meghan did her magic, I was relieved to see that I loved the shorter cut. And then there was the added excitement of seeing my ponytails on the counter, and knowing everything was worth it, to help out someone in the toughest time of her life.

It didn’t hurt that I was flooded with compliments on my new style. I posted a before and after photo on my Facebook page, tagging my friend Loriana, and had people I’d never met saying things like, “I don’t know you but you look more beautiful after giving the gift of your hair.” My coworker has been calling me “Gwyneth Paltrow” for days.

The finished product! My new 'do after giving away 10 inches of my hair.

The finished product! My new ‘do after giving away 10 inches of my hair.

So what does this have to do with Baz Luhrmann and the sunscreen song?

Before this week, I had been in a funk. Nothing really new or excited has happened in my life in a while, and I was in a place where I wasn’t looking forward to much.

I wouldn’t say cutting nearly a foot off of my hair scared me, exactly. I know that hair grows back (and luckily, mine grows pretty quickly), and I was really excited for the new purpose that my hair was about to take on. But the drastic change in style certainly jarred me out of my comfort zone. I’m a person who typically does not like major changes in life, but this time, instead of being anxious or sad about losing what was, I felt incredibly energized.

Simply by changing my hairstyle (and using it to give back), I felt more confident, and even more optimistic about the future. And as a person who dreads change, I felt excited about what other changes could come. I was proud of myself for doing something different, and I felt brave. (Perfect timing, after writing about the song “Brave” this week for Music Monday!)

So now I’m challenging you to try to “Do one thing every day that scares you.” It can be as simple as standing up for yourself, instead of letting a mean comment go. (That’s another out-of-the-comfort-zone kind of moment for me.) You can go see that movie your boyfriend or spouse doesn’t want to see, by yourself. How about trying some weird food for the first time? I know I have a few big, bucket-list items that would get my adrenaline going, like skydiving. But I realized this week that it’s important to push myself into uncomfortable territory in smaller ways, more often. I realized it can be life changing.

Happiness is an emotion, not a destination

23 Sunday Nov 2014

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It seems like everywhere I turned this year, if I didn’t hear Pharrell Williams’s “Happy” playing every ten minutes on the radio or in a new lip dub on YouTube, I was watching my friends post pictures of lattes and sunsets and guacamole with the hashtag #100happydays.

Maybe it was because this was a challenging year personally, as I watched many people close to me deal with real, life-changing struggles. Or maybe it was because I turned 27 and suddenly felt an immediate, boulder-heavy pressure to know exactly where my life was headed and how and when I was going to get there. But never before have I felt such a push to be unabashedly, unquestionably, unapologetically happy.

So what’s the problem with that?

Most people who know me would tell you I’m an optimistic, outgoing person. I like to make the people around me smile, and keep in touch with the people I love who are a thousand miles away. On the outside, feeling happy does not seem like it’s a problem for me. And it’s not.

Where the pressure comes in is when you start looking for Happiness with a capital H. Happiness becomes another item on your Life Checklist.

√   Establish satisfying career
√   Meet perfect man
√   Marry Mr. Perfect
√   Buy dream home
√   Have beautiful children
√   Be Happy?

Beyond the obvious fact that if you wait to achieve all of your life goals before you allow yourself to be Happy, you could be waiting years, if not decades… the scary thought remains that even if you get to the bottom of that checklist you still might not be Happy. And in the meantime, you may have cheated yourself out of all the beautiful, little-H happy moments along the way.

I did the ole Google trick and typed in “how to be” tonight. The results were as I expected:

The number one thing Googlers want to be? Happy.

The number one thing Googlers want to be? Happy.

I even bought a book about happiness this year. I don’t remember what it was called, but it literally had a picture of a fence on the front cover showing the grass greener on the other side. What I learned? Happiness is not sustainable. (That may have been a word-for-word sentence in the book.) We become accustomed to the joy we feel from a new job, a new relationship, a new life change. We forget how happy those things make us. The book said a Nobel prize winner was asked how long the excitement lasted from his win; I believe his response was that it lasted about a day.

This isn’t meant to be a pessimistic viewpoint; in fact, I hope it makes you breathe a sigh of relief. You are not alone. There is not a person on this planet who feels happy 100 percent of the time. And guess what? That is okay.

Striving for a Happy Life is not only normal, it’s admirable. But when you’re tunnel-visioned on Happy, you may find you’re not treating yourself with the kindness you need when you’re not quite there. When you’re struggling with doubt, or anger, or grief, or frustration, the negativity in those emotions is magnified when you face them with an attitude of “I should be Happy.” Feeling those things doesn’t make you Not Happy–it makes you Human.

**I should add, I have no ill will toward the 100 Happy Days project. I was reading up on the guy who started it, and I love the idea of finding things in our lives that we are grateful for. (Remember what I said before about the happiness book and how happiness isn’t sustainable? Cultivating gratitude was a suggested solution for that.) But I guess #100GratefulDays doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.

And I will reluctantly admit that, even after the overplayed summer that it had, there are still times when Pharrell’s song comes on, and I clap along.