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Life’s mood swings: Learning to ride the rollercoaster

12 Saturday Nov 2016

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Last week was a rollercoaster. No, I’m not talking about the election. (And I’m sure many of you will thank me when I say, I have no plans to touch that topic with a ten-foot pole here.) I keep looking back on the week before, amazed that I managed to feel about every emotion imaginable in the span of just a few days.

On Thursday, my family said goodbye to my great aunt. Auntie A never had kids of her own, so her numerous nieces and nephews were like her children and grandchildren. She was the center of my dad’s side of the family, and I meant it when I told my relatives that she was the kindest and most selfless person I have ever known. Auntie was a person who knew how to make anyone feel special, like you mattered deeply to her and to the world. Our family gathered at her home every Christmas Eve, Easter morning and Fourth of July since long before I was born, and she filled each day with such a tangible, loving energy that was contagious.

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My sister and I with our dear great aunts a few Christmases ago. (Auntie A is on the right).

She died exactly two weeks after suffering a massive stroke, and I was thankful I got the chance to tell her how much she meant to me, and for her to tell me she loved me once more before her condition declined. Our family spent many hours by her side in those weeks, holding her hand, praying, crying, and reminiscing.

The day of my aunt’s funeral I was filled with emotion. It was a beautiful day, and every word that was said that day felt like the perfect tribute to her kind heart. I shed many tears, grieving the loss of such a special person, feeling like a deep void had been left behind. Yet at the same time, I was grateful. I felt thankful to have had such a wonderful person in my life for so many years, and for the lessons in love and kindness she taught my family. I felt thankful to be part of such a great family. I felt thankful for my aunt’s long life and that she didn’t suffer much in her final days. That day alone was enough of a rollercoaster, but I had more in store.

The very next morning, my spirits were lifted, when my boyfriend, a few of my coworkers and I decided to check out the Cubs World Series victory parade that was taking over the Chicago Loop (steps outside of where we work). The city was flooded with Cubs fans (some believe it was one of the largest gatherings in human history), and everyone appeared to be overjoyed.

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Joining millions of other Cubs fans for the victory parade. (Nov. 4, 2016)

Besides being energized by the fact that my team had won its first World Series in 108 years, I also felt unified with the people of my city, like we were all coming together to celebrate at least one thing we could all believe in. It was refreshing, given the division in the political season this year that made me feel like no one was ever going to get along. (Okay, that’s the only election reference; I promise!) That feeling of pride and unity continued when my friends and I popped into a bar to watch the Cubs rally in Grant Park, singing “Go Cubs Go” with a few hundred of our newest friends.

Later that day, I was sitting at a kitchen table with my closest friends from high school, drinking wine and sharing our favorite memories. We had planned a Chicago-themed going away party for our dear friend Lynn, in honor of her upcoming move to France. I’m always a sucker for those warm and fuzzy moments of people-who-known-me-best girlfriend bonding sessions. But this one was tinged with a little sadness, sending off someone I care for so far away. Lynn had been living in San Francisco over the last few years, so our get-togethers were already fewer and farther between than our group would like. But France! It’s an ocean away. At the same time, I found myself feeling just so fiercely proud of my friend, fulfilling one of her longtime goals.

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My favorite childhood friends, showing off our Portillo’s chocolate cake as we sent off Lynn (far right) to Paris!

Maybe it was the mix of wine and nostalgia, but before the night was over, my dear friends and I were blasting 90’s music and had formed a kick line in the middle of my friend’s living room. We held hands and danced in a circle, singing “No Scrubs” to my friend Jess’s 3 year old, Logan, as he continued asking for “one more song” before his bed time. (Logan and my friends’ other kids are also some of the little people in my life who make my heart feel like it’s overflowing.) So there I was, one day removed from one of the saddest days I’ve had in a long time, belting out the Backstreet Boys and trying to soak up every second with some of the best people in my life.

The next morning, I was celebrating another milestone moment for another old friend of mine. My friend Maggie was one of my first college friends at the University of Illinois, and after we fell a little out of touch for a few years, life brought her and her husband David down to Austin while my boyfriend and I were living there, and thankfully, back into my life. Saturday, they were back in town in the Chicago suburbs for their baby shower, expecting their little boy right around Christmas this year.

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Celebrating my friend Maggie and her baby Noah last weekend.

Maggie is a friend who has always been an inspiration to me. Shortly after we met, she suddenly lost her mother, a loss that was obviously very painful. Yet she has more faith in God and in the future than most people I know. She and David have built up a successful business over the past few years, and have managed to find the time and money to travel all over the world. And like my Auntie A, Maggie is filled with love, kindness and humility, always more concerned about others than herself. Seeing her joy in expecting her first child was very special, and again last week, I found myself filled with gratitude, that I would be counted among the friends and family she wanted to share this with.

Like the sadness I felt saying goodbye to Lynn, Maggie and David’s baby shower also made me miss our time together in Austin, feeling sad that it would probably be quite a while until I got to meet baby Noah. But I chose to focus on the pride I felt for my friends doing great things, and achieving their goals in life.

Saturday night, I slept deeply and for a very long time. I truly felt like the last few days had been an emotional rollercoaster. In just three days, I had experienced grief, relief, joy, sadness, pride, nostalgia, unity, anticipation, celebration, gratitude, and deep love. A younger me would have felt paralyzed and overwhelmed. But I’ve come to learn that these are the moments that define our lives, that life is just one twist and turn after another and the best way to experience it is to soak up every emotion–good or bad–and the lessons you can learn from it.

I was reminded by this photo that I saved off the internet a number of months ago:

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It reminded me of the joy and gratitude I felt for the memories with my Auntie A, even as I felt a pervading sorrow to know she is gone from this world. It reminded me of the sadness I felt to be far from some of my close friends, even as I watched them fulfill their highest goals and we enjoyed our moments together. This is the best description of life I’ve found so far, and I’ve resolved to honor every moment as I experience it, for every moment is an important part of life.

Lessons learned from the Cubs’ World Series run

08 Tuesday Nov 2016

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I was born into a family with a serious addiction to Chicago sports. As a kid, I was often startled during Sunday dinners at my grandma’s house when the room erupted for a Bears touchdown. My dad has spent every fall for as long as I can remember fielding constant phone calls from his fantasy football partner. And when he was watching TV, you could bet he was probably taking in a football, basketball or baseball game.

My fandom was decidedly more lukewarm. I wouldn’t go so far as to label myself “fair weather,” but while I wholeheartedly supported every Chicago team–and later, the teams of my alma maters–I rarely watched games, and probably couldn’t list more than a player or two.

That’s why I was surprised by how swept up I got in the Cubs’ post season this year.

Being from the northern suburbs (and my dad’s family from the north side of the city), I always preferred the Cubs to the White Sox. And when I got into college, I started going to Cubs games, probably checking out about one each year.

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Some of the Cubs games I’ve been to over the past few years.

When I moved back to Chicago to work at a news station last year, it became my job to know more about the team. But it was the fan in me whose hopes soared and then deflated when they were eliminated in the NLCS last year.

Covering the team’s playoff push this year, previewing and recapping every World Series game, was a lot of hard work for my coworkers and me. If they had been eliminated at any point, it would have soon been back to business as usual. But I found myself willing them to win every series, surprised at how strong my lukewarm attachment had become.

Despite the extra stress at work, I noticed over the past few weeks that I was in an exceptional mood. It really wasn’t until now–as I nurse the emotional hangover left in the place of a Cubs-less void–that I realized it was baseball that was keeping me upbeat that whole time. So this is what sports can do to a person, huh?

Of course, it was more than that.

Last Wednesday night, like Cubs fans around the world, I giddily clapped as the Cubs took a four-run lead in Game Seven. I grew silent as their lead grew narrower. I clutched a pillow and felt physically sick to my stomach as the Indians tied things up, and I tried to hold out hope that a World Series win was still in the cards. I clenched my fists through a rain delay and a tenth inning, and when Kris Bryant threw that final out to Anthony Rizzo, I hooted and cheered. I could hear fireworks going off outside, my neighbors screaming with me, passing cars hammering on their horns.

We did it, I thought.

It’s that collective we that’s made the past few weeks so special. I would smile when I saw “W” flags hanging from street lights and front porches. I would wear my Jake Arrieta T-shirt with pride. I would sing along when I heard “Go Cubs Go” on the radio, or even in my own newscast.

At a time in our history when everyone feels so divided and different, the Cubs brought millions of people together. It was easy to feel love for the people around me when it felt like we were all behind this one thing. We had hoped and suffered together for over a hundred years, and finally the thing we believed in had happened. Even me, the lukewarm fan from a sports-loving family.

It struck me as being a lot like life. We all want to succeed, to prove ourselves. Sometimes it takes a really long time, but we push and we persevere, believing our dreams are possible. If you’re lucky, you have a team of fans behind you, believing in you too. You know it’s a universal feeling when even White Sox fans–even Cardinals fans–can be heard saying, “I’m excited for the Cubs.”

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My view of thousands of fans lining Michigan Ave. for the Cubs victory parade; Nov. 4, 2016.

I felt that energy as I stood in a crowd of millions Friday, waiting for the Cubs parade to breeze by and give us a glimpse of the team that made it all happen. I started to see this energy going beyond the love for a team and resonating as love for this city. Chicago is usually making headlines for rampant crime and corrupt politicians, so to see all of these people who share a piece of my identity–and embrace it with love–was really moving.

That feeling grew deeper as my boyfriend and I decided to make an impromptu trip to Wrigley Field over the weekend. Days after the Cubs’ World Series win, the streets outside the stadium were as crowded as the hour before a home game. The brick walls around the friendly confines had become a makeshift memorial for all the Cubs fans who passed away before they could see the team take the title, every inch chalked over in names.

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The makeshift memorial wall at Wrigley Field; Nov. 6, 2016.

I had seen photos and video of the walls on Facebook and in our news coverage, but seeing it in person was something else. I’m sure part of it was knowing there was a brick there with my great aunt’s name on it, thanks to one of my cousins; she was a Cubs fan, and we lost her just two days before that Game Seven win. But beyond that, it was the sense that the excitement and fandom I had seen this year was truly the tip of the iceberg; there was a long history that went deeper than I could imagine. This team, this sport, had been the glue for many friendships and families, passing down that sense of pride and identity, and, if nothing else, creating cherished memories.

I’ve already got a few favorites of my own. And this lukewarm fan can hardly wait for spring training.

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Celebrating the World Series champs! Nov. 6, 2016

 

Changing your perspective: Making time for gratitude

09 Tuesday Aug 2016

Posted by in Bettering Myself, What Inspires Me

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Most mornings, I climb into my car at the ungodly hour of 1 A.M., turn on news radio as I try to catch up on the day’s stories, and let my muscle memory get me from my north side neighborhood into Downtown Chicago. I’m usually lost in thought or trying to stay awake, sometimes realizing I listened to a block of stories without remembering a single one. I’m already planning out my morning, occasionally rehashing some conversation from the day before or worrying about what’s in store for the day ahead.

But one morning, a few weeks ago, some wispy clouds caught my eye by the way they encircled the top of the John Hancock building, glowing in the moonlight. It gave the entire skyline a spooky beauty, almost like a movie scene. The sight shook me out of my morning slump and refocused my brain, reminding me that I love coasting on this stretch of Lake Shore Drive (at least when it’s traffic free!), I love the view of this city at night, and I feel so lucky to work in one of the greatest cities in the world. In fact, I was reminded of the very first morning that I made the drive into the city in the middle of the night, and how seeing the skyline grow larger made the butterflies in my stomach flutter with excitement. (Yes, all that from a few wispy clouds!)

The whole experience (which lasted all of about 15 seconds) got me thinking about gratitude.

Since I started learning about Buddhism and mindfulness a few years ago, there are a few lessons that have popped up over and over again:

  • What you think can affect your whole life
  • You can control your thoughts, and keep them from controlling you
  • Cultivating gratitude is one of the easiest ways to turn your entire life outlook around

It isn’t just a Buddhist thing either. Gratitude is something I constantly see as a top example of how to boost happiness and success. Just yesterday, I came across an article that listed “express[ing] gratitude” as one of the things successful people do every night.

I am deeply aware of the many ways I’m lucky in life. And yet, why is it that it seems so much easier to complain than to hold onto that gratitude? So as a reminder to myself that it feels infinitely better to focus on the positive, I wanted to share a few pointers on how to let gratitude grow:

  1. Feels like the first time: Just like that giddy feeling I remember from the first morning I drove into the city for my (then) new job, try to encapsulate the emotions you felt when things were fresh. Look at your spouse or significant other through the eyes of your first few dates. Instead of complaining that your apartment needs to be cleaned, revisit the excitement of when you first got the keys. Sick of sitting in traffic? Try to remember what it was like when you first got your license, and would gladly face rush hour to fetch a gallon of milk, if it meant a chance to get behind the wheel.

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    One of my first nights out, back in my hometown but enjoying city life for the first time. Couldn’t get over the gorgeous views!

  2. See things from a simpler view: This may mean to take notes from one of your positive-minded friends. But what’s even better is to think younger. There are so many things we can learn from the carefree kids in our lives. They’re constantly learning, joyfully taking in the world, and literally seeing things for the first time. Not too long ago, my friend’s baby discovered, to her amusement, that she has feet! My other friend’s 2 year old is learning to tell jokes, and his eyes light up every time he makes us laugh. Imagine how adventurous life could feel if you saw it with the fresh eyes of a child.

    This works for animals too! I don’t have kids, but I do have two dogs. Today, my boyfriend and I joked that our girl, Sadie, could spend an entire day just sniffing around in the grass. What’s usually a nuisance should actually be a reminder for me to take time to take in the world around me.

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    Try to live every day like a dog with his head out the window.

  3. Shut off your thoughts: This goes back to what I mentioned earlier about keeping your thoughts from controlling you. Negativity can become a habit, and the only way out is to retrain your brain. One thing that’s helped me to do that is a kind of on-the-fly meditation. Let the thoughts that pop up in your mind float away, and try to bring your attention back to the present moment–the sights, sounds, smells. Most of the time, that’s enough for me to notice something I’m thankful for, whether it’s a beautiful view out the window, the garlic I’m frying up on the stove, or my boyfriend making up a song on the guitar.
  4. Build in time to be thankful: The more you practice gratitude, the more naturally it will come to you, especially in times when a dark cloud of negativity threatens to take over. It could be as simple as consciously taking a moment or two before bed to look back on the best moments of your day. Or it could be something more overt, like keeping a gratitude journal. The author of the article about successful people I mentioned earlier suggests writing down five things you’re thankful for each night. Recently, I read a blog where the author said he plays a gratitude game with himself each day; he tries to come up with three things he’s grateful for, and works to find those three things by an earlier time than the day before.

The beautiful thing about gratitude is that the more you practice it, the easier it will be. So you really can’t lose with this one.

And when in doubt, just be this girl:

 

Learning to be here now: Be present in your life

25 Monday Apr 2016

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As I sat in the dental chair today, the hygienist told me the dentist would be a few minutes.

“Do you want a magazine?” she asked. “Or do you want to look at your phone while you wait?”

“No, thank you,” I smiled. “I’ll just relax and look out the window.”

She looked shocked, like simply sitting in a chair and looking out the window was the craziest thing a person could think to do. With all the distractions in our lives these days, maybe it is.

The hygienist, Mia, and I ended up having a pleasant conversation about the warmer weather and all the work she had to do with her garden. I told her about my foray into planting herbs on my back patio, and she told me how she loved to race home from work on Fridays to mow the lawn. I felt prouder than I should have that I chose to get to know Mia, rather than assume my typical position, with my nose buried in my iPhone.

I carried that feeling with me on the way home. Instead of stewing over the day’s work frustrations or plotting out what I had to do for the rest of the day, I soaked up the music I was playing, stuck my arm out the window, and enjoyed the feeling of the wind sliding through my fingertips.

Maybe it’s no coincidence that I received a package earlier in the day of the “Be Here Now” shirt that I ordered from Tiny Buddha. To be completely honest, I’ve never read the book by Ram Dass (though it’s on my list!). I’ve always kind of thought there’s plenty we can learn just by reading the cover, right? So with you as my witness, I’m vowing now that “Be Here Now” is my new spring mantra.

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A little “Be Here Now” inspiration from Tiny Buddha

Because the truth is, while the version of me that looks out dentist office windows and drives with her hand floating in the wind seems so peaceful and zen, that’s the version of me that’s usually hard to find. More typically, I’m the woman who’s watching TV while texting while skimming Facebook. I’m the woman whose cell phone is the last thing she looks at before she goes to sleep and the first thing she reaches for when she wakes up. I’m the woman who often can’t stand sitting still for more than a few minutes without biting at a cuticle or picking at a split end.

I can blame it on the nature of my job–it’s definitely not unusual to find me writing a script, making a graphic, and talking to a reporter at the same time–but I know that the “Be Here Now” concept is tough to grasp for most of the people in my life. Who knew it would take so much work to embrace silence, simplicity, or merely focusing on the task at hand?

So starting today, I will savor silence. I will pursue peace. I will Do. One. Thing. At. A. Time. (Gasp!) I will wake up and give myself a few seconds to stretch before I even THINK about checking my email. I will enjoy nature. I will give people my full attention. When I inevitably fall back into my old habits, I will lather, rinse, and repeat.

This is the spring of “being here now.” And while I’m at it… maybe I’ll even pick up some Ram Dass.

Feel-Good Friday: I’m Gonna Love You Through It

24 Friday Jul 2015

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I spend many hours each week–for work and for fun–sifting through some of the best videos on the internet. When my coworker and friend shared this one with me the other day, I thought it sounded cute. When I clicked on the link and started watching, I thought it was sweet. When I got about two minutes into it, I was trying to hold back my tears.

I played this on my newscast this morning, and everyone had the same reaction. This is the PS22 Chorus, a group of 5th graders in New York, dedicating one of their songs to a teacher who recently started fighting breast cancer. And it’s one of the best things the internet has to offer:

To me, this video embodies Life. There is no escaping hardship or pain, but if we’re lucky, we’ll have people around to “love us through it.” We can’t always sing it to the people we love, but these sweet kids have inspired me to show it the best that I can.

Music Monday: Carry On

18 Monday May 2015

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This single by Fun. came out a couple of years ago, and it never fails to pick up my mood.

There’s something poetic about meeting up with “some friends at the edge of the night.” And the tearful friend telling him, “We are not shining stars,” is just so relatable to me. (“This I know. I never said we are.” So matter of fact.)

But for this one, the chorus itself is simple enough to inspire me out of a gray mood.

If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone.
Carry on.
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground.
Carry on.

As someone who makes a habit of getting a little too caught up in the past, I love the idea of my past being the sound of my feet upon the ground. It’s just so true to life. No matter what happens to us and how it makes us feel–distraught, overwhelmed, overjoyed, irate–time marches on and takes us with it. Before you know it, it’s all fading in the rearview mirror and new challenges are coming ahead.

The easy life lesson in the most overplayed song of the decade

06 Wednesday May 2015

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At this point, you don’t have to be a parent to say another Elsa sighting is one too many, or that you might lose it the next time you see a “Frozen” lip sync on YouTube.

I can definitely understand the sentiment, but now that Frozen fever is dying down just a tad, I can finally appreciate the message. So instead of swearing off that song, I made it my mantra.

letitgoSure, there are a lot of lyrics in the song that I like–something about testing limits, and that whole part about how distance makes it all seem small. But it’s really the title that gets it done, with three simple words: Let. It. Go.

I encourage everyone to try this for just a couple of days. You know that old adage about how life is 20 percent what happens to you and 80 percent how you react to it? I’ve learned it’s absolutely true.

You see, I am a “stewer.” When challenges pop up in my life, I like to go home and sit on it all day, chew it up in my head, play it and replay it, decide what I should have said, and just generally waste hours of my life making myself miserable. A combination of a mild dose of anxiety and an analytical personality don’t do me any favors. (One I get from my mom and the other from my dad–thanks, guys.)

So a few months ago, I decided to try something. Every time I found myself frustrated, discouraged, or upset, I would pause, and think to myself, “Let it go.” Sometimes I’d even picture the anxiety dissolving off the top of my head like a puff of steam. I’d unclench my jaw and my fists and release. I started to see that once you face a problem or a confrontation, or even someone unfairly taking out their own frustrations on you, there is no sense carrying it around with you all day. Stewing serves no one and solves nothing.

It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes, by the Buddha: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” If you have a problem with someone, take it up with them. If you can’t or are unwilling to, let it go.

Another way to think of it is with what I like to call “The One-Year Test.”

A few years ago, at my first job out of grad school, I wrote a heated journal entry about one of my supervisors. I was so angry, and I wrote all about how I couldn’t believe that he did that. About a year or so later, I went back and read that journal. The emotion was tangible, but I only felt amused; for the life of me, I could not remember what it was that had made me so incensed.

It sounds so cliche, but it was an obvious reminder not to sweat the small stuff. After that, sometimes when I’d get frustrated or angry, I’d try to ask myself, “Will I remember why I’m mad in a year?” How about a month? Next week? If the answer is no, then let it go.

If you are morally opposed to modeling your mantra after a Walt Disney earworm, there is another song that I sometimes use as inspiration. But I’m not sure that you’ll like this one any better…

shakeitoff

Music Monday: Shut Up and Dance

04 Monday May 2015

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[spotify https://play.spotify.com/track/4kbj5MwxO1bq9wjT5g9HaA]

This song’s been out there for a hot second, and I’m noticing it getting a lot more play time on the radio. I like it for a couple of reasons. On the surface, it’s got a great beat. I love to turn it up for driving, running, and (imagine that) dancing.

But I also like it for what–or more aptly, who–it represents. It’s the story of that girl, who doesn’t have a care in the world, and doesn’t overthink things beyond that one moment in a club, telling a man, “Shut up and dance with me,” as he falls hopelessly in love.

I think every woman wishes she could be that girl, and every man wishes he could find her. The thing is, I don’t think she really exists outside of movies and books. But it’s fun to jam out to this song, and imagine you are her, if only for 3 minutes and 19 seconds at a time.

Feel-Good Friday: My funny dandelion

01 Friday May 2015

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One of the best things that I saw this week was a video that was so simple yet so sweet. British musician Tom Fletcher (behind the sweet Wedding Speech and From Bump to Buzz videos) shared a great video of his son. The little one can’t stop cracking up, simply because his dad is blowing the seeds off of dandelions:

The laughter of little kids is just so infectious, and the way they find fascination in some of the tiniest things in life is a reminder to not take them for granted.

And while we’re on the subject of cuteness, I had to include an honorable mention… the too-cute, 8-week-old puppy who wants to attack his own hiccups!

Music Monday: Learning to Fly

27 Monday Apr 2015

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I’m not a zealous Tom Petty fan. In fact, usually when I hear his name now, the first thing I think of is the scene in “This Is 40” where Leslie Mann tells her daughter’s friend that he looks like “a miniature Tom Petty.” My Petty repertoire basically consists of this song and “Free Fallin’.” But I heard this song in a movie about a decade ago, and I often go back to it to feel more centered, or sometimes when I need a bite of humble pie.

[spotify https://play.spotify.com/track/6DRNqyHyHySMMS1GkXt1Jy]

One of the things I like about “Learning to Fly” is that it doesn’t strike me as being over-the-top positive, or particularly negative. It just is. Kind of like life.

My favorite part is the last verse:

Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I’ve started out for God knows where
I guess I’ll know when I get there

I feel like it’s the story of someone just trying the best he can, in the face of discouragement. He may not know where he’s going, but really, who does?